A post from earlier today.

At the risk of getting responses like I did to last night's vent on my personal FB, I am just going to post here because I guarantee a lot more of you will understand. If you don't have a child with Autism, you don't know what it's like. I don't care if they have another disability...it is NOT the same!!! Roll in Down Syndrome and Hearing loss, and your child is pretty much stuck inside a little body!
I'm not only PISSED but I am extremely frustrated with some of the things people had the nerve to send me via PM. Of course, they couldn't post it to my status, because then they would have had to answer in front of all of FB. But, no, please send a very exhausted, scared, sad and desperate mother a message telling her that she should be glad that "the disabilities he HAS is ALL he has!"
F. YOU!
NO, I WON'T be thankful. Never. I will never be thankful that my son will never be able to tell me he loves me. I will NEVER be thankful that I will never hear him utter a single word. I will NEVER EVER EVER be thankful that he fights and struggles SO F'ING hard and for what? I will not be thankful...because quite literally this situation SUCKS.
I know that you all know what I mean. Autism in and of itself SUCKS. Sleepless, restless nights SUCK. Emotional breakdowns SUCK. IEPs suck. Being stared at sucks. Every damn thing
about Autism sucks. Want to know what is worse...having the trifecta of Down Syndrome and being deaf added in. I am NOT saying that my child is more special than yours, I am saying that my child struggles so much that I don't know how to do this. I have never in my life doubted myself as a mother, until last night. I cried for 3 hours after Elijah was asleep because I just felt like..."I couldn't do it anymore." Who thinks that about their child? Me.
I can't believe that after 6 years (on Wednesday, the 1st)...I am really concerned about Elijah's quality of life. What is he going to be able to do? To make me feel so much worse, I just got his "Transistion" Paper in the mail. They are ready for him to move on to school age services. Are you f'ing kidding me? 3 years of the preschool is not enough. I mean, it is...but what is he going to be able to do? When I get the papers home at the end of the school day that he has "completed" I literally want to cry. He does NOT complete them. He doesn't know how to do a damn thing that comes home on those papers. I love his teacher...I love his class...and I am scared to death that this is the last year that he is going to be there. The women that has been in his life for the last 3 years are no longer going to be there. What. the. hell.
To make matters worse, his poor little sister (3 y.o.) Does NOT get why bubby is "mean" to her. She doesn't understand why he can't talk or hear, and when I say, "Hunny, he can not hear you, he can not talk back." She starts to talk LOUDER like it's going to make any difference. I know that I should be happy to have one "healthy" child but quite frankly, she's been a battle of a whole nother spectrum.
I am terribly sorry for being negative. But tonight while I was at the store looking at birthday cards and invitations...I thought..."Why? Why even bother? He's not going to read them, or give a crap that I bought it. Hell, he isn't even going to care that there is a party..."
I feel like the most worthless mother in the world. I am THANKFUL that I have my children...please don't mistake that. Sometimes, though, and an incredibly lot lately...I just wish that things weren't so damn hard for them.
So, now, that my keyboard is soaked in tears, and I'm going to have to change my shirt because it's also soaked....I don't feel any better. Whatever. :(



E.