Elijahs transition to the big school meeting is literally less than 48 hrs away. Holy. Crap.
I knew it was bound to happen. I knew I couldn't stop it. But really? Less than 2 days! How did 6 years pass so...fast?
If you've had a special needs child transition from the preschool to big school...how did you cope? Was it hard for you? Am I scared for no reason? I know he'll be going to the best school in the county, maybe in the surrounding counties, but I am scared. I don't know another word for how I feel.
When meeting with his SSA the other day about getting him a new provider, I couldn't contain myself. God love the poor woman, she got many months of built up stress spewed all over her. I try to get my feelings out routinely so that doesn't happen to one innocent person, but apparently it hasn't happened nearly enough.
Some things I am worried about...I know that it matters that he's in school. I know that. But I see the child that doesn't talk, communicate, write, sign, or really care about anyone else for that matter and I wonder, WHY does school matter? I know the veteran moms know that school matters but I'm just starting this part of my journey where he's not just in preschool anymore. I feel like he's not going to be able to do much, other than get the social interaction and I do wonder why and how it matters.
Another thing I fear so much, is the fact that he is growing up. What is his life going to be like? He's going to be made fun of (it happens already by grown adults!!!!) and I hate that as his protector I will be subjecting him to that. I want to keep him in a bubble forever and know that he's going to be safe. But I also know that it's not going to happen and I must let go, no matter how hard it is.
Something else trivial that some may think I'm being a baby about is that his 3 year old sister, the one that was so early they didn't expect her to survive, is doing so many things that I am afraid he just never will. If Im not honest with myself, I feel like I'll be blindsided and unable to deal with it as it happens. The fact is, Rae can talk. She can write, and is near reading. She can help dress herself and feeds herself independently. Heck, when she wants something she can go to the fridge and get something out. She is starting to potty by herself. She is semi comfortable around people...and my dear boy just ISN'T. They aren't the same, I know it. No two children are...and in Elijahs case, apparently he's one in millions.
Momma bear is scared. Yes, I am well, and fully aware that some have it worse than us. I know that lots WISH their child's diapers were paid for, that they had perfect insurance for their child, that their child was ALIVE. I know many would give anything to be in my position, however, that doesn't make my life any easier.
I have a couple of friends who are dealing with the loss of their child/ren. I wish I could take their pain away and give their child back. I wish, I pray that they had peace in their life and that they knew how much I hate complaining about our issues. But, I am only human and I need the release of getting this off my chest or I may not be able to be the mother I am.
Oh, and if you think for one second all I do is mother my children (this has been pointed out which is why I am addressing it...) you are crazy. There are hours of phone calls to insurance companies, days spent in the hospital, and sleepless nights of worrying about my children while I work, full time. It was never in my plans to be a full time working outside the home mother. But, with the economy as such, it was just not possible for me to be at home anymore. please keep your negative, nasty comments to yourself. I have enough negativity in my life dealing with Elijah's
-Elisha
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